The Wine Cellar

Have you ever gone to your (choose an ethnic) friends house and been invited to drink his father's home made wine, only to stagger out hours later wondering why your left leg is suddenly shorter than your right? If so the prospect of home made wine may just give you the SHIVERS. Well I can tell you that it does not have to be that way. You can make a wine at home that you can be proud to serve to your yuppie friends.

Todays concentrated juice kits let you make wonderful varietal and generic wines at home. They come with all the additive packages measured out in the right quantities (yeast, clearing agent etc.) And after a small investment in equipment (about 50-80 bucks) you can be on your way to many enjoyable glasses of wine.

You thought the only true wine was made from grapes crushed between the toes of virgins? Well, I am not a wine making snob, and to me the true measure of a wine is whether people will drink it. What's that you say, you need to be a chemist to understand the lingo? The kits come with easy to follow directions. They are nearly idiot proof.

People are singing the praises of Kelley's Wine:

• "Kelley's is the best wine I have ever tasted." Dustin Hoffman
  
• "It was much better going down than coming back up!" Randy, Norfolk Tractor
  
• "I like to serve Kelley's wine to my friends, aboard my yacht." Mel Gibson
  
• "I like it so much, I am serving it at my wedding!" Lynda
  
• "Kelley's wine is so damn good it should have a government warning label on it." Svend Robinson, MP
  
• "DO'H! It's not Duff, but it's pretty good." Homer Simpson
  
• "Excellent!" Montgomery Burns
  
• "I have never met a beer I wouldn't drink." Paul Blake
  
• "Who is Kelley? Is she voluptuous? I would like to meet her." Bill Clinton
  
• "It goes nicely with a big fat cigar" Bill again
  
• "I came, I saw, I drank." Julius Caesar
  
• "A glass, a glass, my kingdom for a glass!" King Lear
  
• "Kelley's homemade wine, it's a good thing." Martha Stewart
  
• "You go girl friend!" Oprah
  
• "Houston we have a problem, we're out of Kelley's wine!" crew of Apollo 13
  
• "Is that your final bottle?" Regis Philbin
  
• "Every man needs something to believe in. I believe I will have another drink!" WC Fields
  
• "I freed the what? It must have been Kelley's homemade wine." Abraham Lincoln
  
• "Who's Kelley? Give me back that bottle." Richard I.- Port Dover
  
• "Hit me baby one more time, with Kelley's wine." Britney Spears
  
• "Another glass? Thank you, thank you very much." Elvis Presley
  
• "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what can you do for another glass." JFK again
  
• "Will this wine get stains out of my dress?." Monica Lewinski
  
• "No glass, no matter how small, is ever wasted."Aesop
  
• "I like this wine more than I like little boys." Michael Jackson
  
• "Cindy, can I have another glass?" Skiba
  
• "If you can't bring Mohammed to the mountain, bring him Kelley's wine." Saladin the Great
  
• "A bottle of wine and thee. Hell , piss off and leave the wine." Sid Vicious
  
• "Let them drink Kelley's wine." Marie Antoinette
  
• "And now for something completely different, Kelley's wine." Monty Python
  
• "Stop me before I drink again." Son of Sam
  
• "I wish I were in Sherbrooke now, with a bottle of Kelley's wine." you know who
  
• "Man doth not live by bread only..."Deuteronomy 8:3
  
• "And thou wilt give thyself relief, if thou doest drink every glass as if it were the last."Marcus Aurelius
  
• "The bottle isn't empty till it's empty." Yogi Berra
  
• "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single bottle."Lao-Tzu
  
• "Kelley's wine drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "WC Fields
  
• "I taught her well."Bacchus, Roman God of Wine